A Rebuttal To A Speech By A Senior

On the date of March 17th, of the 2008th year of Our Lord, Gary Simpson displayed all the skills of a fine gentleman—he was looking quite gallant and dashing—his attire demonstrated a hefty income and good breeding—his hair was molded like a work of Michelangelo—all the most esteemed and most respected town aristocracy were in attendance—in all, he might have been the one to be my most esteemed husband. And then he opened his mouth.

Gary must learn the First Law of the Gentry—look pretty, have money, and keep silent. Gary’s choice of topic, paragraphs, sentences, and words was entirely inappropriate. It was as though he had written a speech on Onanism—it is known that Man does it several times in his lifetime, however it is not proper to mention in the company of one’s superiors—Womyn.

While I may have found myself entranced by the melodious tone of Gary’s voice, I found the Speech itself most offensive. Simply because one is able to be served victuals from the Senior’s Menu at Denny’s—or receive an AARP membership—or experience the wisdom discovered with achieving the age of 32, or possibly even greater—does not mean with certainty that they will be afflicted with the disease of Senioritis. In particular, Gary should have shown greater concern for those faculty members that are rapidly approaching this ripe old age.

I feel that Gary’s mind has been corrupted by the likes of Dr. Sarah Bellum and Charles Darwin—known necromancers and hippie-lovers. In fact, had Gary been more careful in his research, he would have noted that any number of conditions such as Senioritis, Hysteria, and Homosexuality are caused by an imbalance of the four humors of the body. A simple blood-letting is all that is needed to cure such afflictions.

Gary’s message brought me to tears as I began to question my own longevity. If senior citizens are of questionable value to English Society, how can I justify my own persistence in living the past 232 years?

I find that I cannot go on writing anymore. Gary has brought down such Fire and Brimstone upon all those of Senior wisdom—I find that I can only make this right by sacrificing my writing for the sins of Gary’s. I will now retire to the land of my ancestors—perhaps one day to have my manuscription resurrected, and bring about a day unmarred by those that would insist that seniors are possessed by a disease that is incurable.

JAA (422)

To my most untalented pupils, 

I had most sincerely desired to enjoy a few entries this week, but I was most disappointed in the quality of literature that was produced from your feeble minds--including the womyn. The authors of these works deserve no praise, but rather a firm reproach--that of a lashing.

In addition, I found tardiness to be quite prevalent, especially in: Aaaron Baowomyn, Alexander Zadle, Allison Reznick, Andreu Charleston, Becca Crowe, Beky Myers, Catlen WylinCzech, Chealsea Sparrows, David Bluewell, Erickk Louwis, One of the Garies, Emilia Gogogoson, Brandon Yean, Rhubarb Epsteen, Todd Jenkins, Jissika Nickels, Jam Stooby, Hole-y Ghost, Johann Loryzenzen, Caring Felts, Loren Maittianonionis, Lissy Burtonson, Jesus "The Lord" Christ, El Womanly Geisha, The Father, Gnatilee Gargiolis, Dr Navdeepa Carebeara, Ninea Weeners, Nickollockolass Papadopanewguineass, The Other Gary, Yes - Enya Armed and Hammered Deriz. I believe trial for such rampant misdemeanors should include a trip to the stockades. 

Most Gladly Advising Those Authors Beneath Myself,

Jane Austen 

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To my most esteemed constituency,

To you I ask, what have you accomplished in my absence? And the answer is, obviously, nothing. 

But with my return, which is like that of Jesus to this earth, not like the French to their Mothers, and again like glorious England to India, you will now have a purpose. 

As we are on the discourse of purpose-ity, I would like to state my indignation towards one Lance "The Great Sexist" Coon. The horrendous lack of Jane Austen (D.D.S.) from the list of scribes upon thine blog, is most unsettling, to even the most bold of heart. Simply because I am a womyn of great talent and accomplishment, does not give one--Lance Coon--the right to exclude one--Jane Austen--from the aforementioned register. Lance, You shalln't Feel inadequate Despite our Differences in Intellect and Poetry-writing Ability. Womyn are simply the greater of the sexes, so it is only natural that my skills with the pen far eclipse those of all the weaker sex, including thineself. 

With all the regards that are due at this juncture in time, height, width, depth, weight, temperature, pressure, velocity, and viscosity,

Jane Austen (O.B.G.Y.N.)

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To Womyn:

To all the distinguished,

I write to you today due to a moral dilemma facing all the Englands. I hope that my efforts here will inspire my fellow authors to join me in my mission against the tyranny and censorship brought upon us by The American Administration. I challenge all to strike with the power of language and literature, in order to restore the privileges guaranteed to us by natural Hu(wo)man law.

Lady Protector,
Jane Austen

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