On the date of March 17th, of the 2008th year of Our Lord, Gary Simpson displayed all the skills of a fine gentleman—he was looking quite gallant and dashing—his attire demonstrated a hefty income and good breeding—his hair was molded like a work of Michelangelo—all the most esteemed and most respected town aristocracy were in attendance—in all, he might have been the one to be my most esteemed husband. And then he opened his mouth.
Gary must learn the First Law of the Gentry—look pretty, have money, and keep silent. Gary’s choice of topic, paragraphs, sentences, and words was entirely inappropriate. It was as though he had written a speech on Onanism—it is known that Man does it several times in his lifetime, however it is not proper to mention in the company of one’s superiors—Womyn.
While I may have found myself entranced by the melodious tone of Gary’s voice, I found the Speech itself most offensive. Simply because one is able to be served victuals from the Senior’s Menu at Denny’s—or receive an AARP membership—or experience the wisdom discovered with achieving the age of 32, or possibly even greater—does not mean with certainty that they will be afflicted with the disease of Senioritis. In particular, Gary should have shown greater concern for those faculty members that are rapidly approaching this ripe old age.
I feel that Gary’s mind has been corrupted by the likes of Dr. Sarah Bellum and Charles Darwin—known necromancers and hippie-lovers. In fact, had Gary been more careful in his research, he would have noted that any number of conditions such as Senioritis, Hysteria, and Homosexuality are caused by an imbalance of the four humors of the body. A simple blood-letting is all that is needed to cure such afflictions.
Gary’s message brought me to tears as I began to question my own longevity. If senior citizens are of questionable value to English Society, how can I justify my own persistence in living the past 232 years?
I find that I cannot go on writing anymore. Gary has brought down such Fire and Brimstone upon all those of Senior wisdom—I find that I can only make this right by sacrificing my writing for the sins of Gary’s. I will now retire to the land of my ancestors—perhaps one day to have my manuscription resurrected, and bring about a day unmarred by those that would insist that seniors are possessed by a disease that is incurable.
JAA (422)
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1 comment:
I think I'm at least partly responsible for Jane's latest installment, and I feel bad about that. I had a weird week at school starting on March 17th, and I don't think I handled it as well as I could have.
In particular, I'd like to apologize via this comment for a hasty and ill-considered rebuttal to Brother Simpson's speech which I first posted, then removed an hour later (in a perhaps calmer state of mind). It was, I believe, intemperate in tone, and in particular it was posted before I had a chance to talk to Gary about his speech, which I certainly should have done first. So an apology to all who read it, and in particular to Gary.
I think my sensitivity to the subject of senioritis probably arises from the fact that I am currently the ONLY Upper School faculty member who teaches exclusively senior classes. Last year I taught exactly 1 junior, this year none.
So I think my hypersensitivity to the topic, rather than the topic itself, was the cause of my roller coaster week. Fortunately, spring break arrived just in time, and I've spent several fun-filled and relaxing days with my grandson and at my cabin, so I'm calmer now.
I'm still concerned, as I always am this time of year, about my ability to continue to be productive in my classroom in the remaining weeks. I've got several goals I want to accomplish by mid-May, and I know these goals will be reached much more effectively and much more pleasantly if, as has been the case for the majority of the year, a spirit of cooperation reigns in room 311.
I hope that happens, and I'll do everything I can to bring it about. In the meantime, I think Jane is being a bit harsh on Gary, as I think I was earlier, although I do agree with her on several points. First, that Gary's speech was, as she says, both melodious and dashing, and second that I too am glad he did not choose Onanism as his subject.
Finally, many thanks to Jane for giving me a second opportunity to put my thoughts into something closer to their true order.
Yours sincerely,
LCC
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