To my most untalented pupils, 

I had most sincerely desired to enjoy a few entries this week, but I was most disappointed in the quality of literature that was produced from your feeble minds--including the womyn. The authors of these works deserve no praise, but rather a firm reproach--that of a lashing.

In addition, I found tardiness to be quite prevalent, especially in: Aaaron Baowomyn, Alexander Zadle, Allison Reznick, Andreu Charleston, Becca Crowe, Beky Myers, Catlen WylinCzech, Chealsea Sparrows, David Bluewell, Erickk Louwis, One of the Garies, Emilia Gogogoson, Brandon Yean, Rhubarb Epsteen, Todd Jenkins, Jissika Nickels, Jam Stooby, Hole-y Ghost, Johann Loryzenzen, Caring Felts, Loren Maittianonionis, Lissy Burtonson, Jesus "The Lord" Christ, El Womanly Geisha, The Father, Gnatilee Gargiolis, Dr Navdeepa Carebeara, Ninea Weeners, Nickollockolass Papadopanewguineass, The Other Gary, Yes - Enya Armed and Hammered Deriz. I believe trial for such rampant misdemeanors should include a trip to the stockades. 

Most Gladly Advising Those Authors Beneath Myself,

Jane Austen 

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To my most esteemed constituency,

To you I ask, what have you accomplished in my absence? And the answer is, obviously, nothing. 

But with my return, which is like that of Jesus to this earth, not like the French to their Mothers, and again like glorious England to India, you will now have a purpose. 

As we are on the discourse of purpose-ity, I would like to state my indignation towards one Lance "The Great Sexist" Coon. The horrendous lack of Jane Austen (D.D.S.) from the list of scribes upon thine blog, is most unsettling, to even the most bold of heart. Simply because I am a womyn of great talent and accomplishment, does not give one--Lance Coon--the right to exclude one--Jane Austen--from the aforementioned register. Lance, You shalln't Feel inadequate Despite our Differences in Intellect and Poetry-writing Ability. Womyn are simply the greater of the sexes, so it is only natural that my skills with the pen far eclipse those of all the weaker sex, including thineself. 

With all the regards that are due at this juncture in time, height, width, depth, weight, temperature, pressure, velocity, and viscosity,

Jane Austen (O.B.G.Y.N.)

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To Womyn:

To all the distinguished,

I write to you today due to a moral dilemma facing all the Englands. I hope that my efforts here will inspire my fellow authors to join me in my mission against the tyranny and censorship brought upon us by The American Administration. I challenge all to strike with the power of language and literature, in order to restore the privileges guaranteed to us by natural Hu(wo)man law.

Lady Protector,
Jane Austen

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